Goodbye Master

I lived in a place where masturbation is normal.Most men in our place said that it is part of being a man.They said that it is normal and healthy. With my innocence, I have no idea how destructive it is to my health or how it will imperil my spiritual life .But what matters to me at that time is that I do what most young boys do making me feel I belong with the norm of my environment.Even in the midst of my “pubertive”  struggle where I could not understand why I often behave unseemingly  , my conscience often telling my mind that there is something wrong in  those secret things that I often do.I cannot understand the conflict that resides in my mind.I always asked myself “Am I the only one who suffer this kind of emotional and psychological jumble?” .I thought I was crazy since those young boys in my place as I looked upon them,they  seemed that they were not struggling and troubled doing this stuff.Though at that time I was not that spiritual with the  in-depth knowledge of the Scripture,yet I know deep down inside in my very being that I committed  a heinous sin.Because everytime  I do it,there is guilt,horror,shame and war that rest upon my soul.The battle is residing within my conscience telling me that it is  sin while a thought whispering in my ears  that it is normal .Guilty conscience had eaten me up until the resistance has become weaker and  weaker until it took the  mastery over my life.Every time I indulged my self in this guilty pleasure, my whole soul is soak in the desert of wanting.The more I indulge myself to do it the more I become unsatisfied.It is like drugs that you must to double the dosage that you must feel and reach that momentric pleasure which my heart intensely desire.I was starting to become addicted with it until I do it often times.
When at times I feel that I become a pretender to all people, masking myself with the garb of Christianity since people in my place often quote me in their conversation as an epitome of spirituality yet they do not know deep down inside  a whorish teenager is living .I looked upon my body as a body of a beast because every thought that runs into my mind become sexual, imaginations become too extreme until the will to overcome it become dormant.With the environment where I dwell in, how I could possibly make to escape  of this  spell in my life.I often listen to pop music.I love to watch movies and I often read sleazy gossip magazine and generally I plunge myself with dysfunctional lifestyle.With these things which I behold,I become guiltless with what I’ve done since these things convince me that it is normal in  this world.

But God  commended his love toward me,in that while I was living in sin Christ died for me.As I go to church every Sabbath though very late, I could not hide the secrets of my life in the presence of God.I could not cover my sins.I feel I am not worthy to pray, to talk of His Holy name,or to stand in His presence.I have seen the evilness of my sin that I intensely long to be removed in my life.I realized that while the people in the church are so happy and joyful in singing hymns ,I felt unsuitable to be with the environment.I could not find happiness in His presence.The church service for me was boring and the Bible was dull and lifeless.But my heart is longing for Christ to save me from my sin.My heart is longing to live a life in harmony with God.I long for peace and joy in which my effort could not attain.But the more I long to come to Christ,the greater the sense of condemnation,the greater knowledge of the evilness of sin and the temptations were more intense as before. The greater the desire to overcome  ,the weaker and weaker I appear in   assaulting against self and the greater the disappointment  .Even I try to abstain to do it for a day then a week and a month,the struggle becomes harder and harder.Until I could not bear it anymore.When my roommate is out in the room,I know I am in a struggle.When my parents were out in the house,I know I am in a struggle.Compromise starts to whisper in my ears that it is okay to do it  since God will always forgive sinners.My hand starts moving and my body started to respond to do  it .My body is warring against my mind.I’m fighting with my lust and my will.What I want and what Jesus says.Until I came to a point of surrender,I could not stand it anymore.I am doing this thing though I am not happy doing it.My judgment became deprived and sin became to me normal.I wanted  to know how to resolve this conflict  because I cannot stand anymore the conflict that is warring in my members.I want to jump in an unending cliff because of guilt and shame.The conviction of  my sin is killing me.What I long is the conversion of my life.At the valley of despair I weep at the foot of the cross,

Lord Jesus, I long to be perfectly whole;
I want Thee forever to live in my soul.
Break down every idol, cast out every foe
Now wash me and I shall be whiter than snow.

I want Jesus to forgive me.I want Jesus to change me.I need Him every second of my life because I know just a few moment satan will come again to tempt me.I need to surrender my life to Christ. And I need to be born again.

At that time of my life,I experience a prayer life that is stronger than before .Though I did not feel that He forgive me,though the guilt is still dwelling in  my soul,I believe that He forgives me because the Bible tell me so.Though my members are starting to war against my soul,I know that God is greater than these forces that were compelling me to sin.So when I started to quiver in warring the lust that is crawling in my body,I know that there is  an extraordinary God that can take away the evil spirit in me.I know that God loves me and He do not want me to live this kind of life.And the struggle which I thought that will lead me to death becomes my motivating power to draw myself to Christ.I never opened my Bible so intimate as before.The more often I read it, the more I see that God is powerful and God is love.The stories  in the Bible  inspire me  a lot to have faith in Him everyday.Nowhere  in this world can offer peace,hope,freedom,rest and joy than reading the Word of God.I found Jesus the Saviour of my life.He becomes real in my life.The Bible becomes interesting and the Holy Spirit’s power become real.Every day becomes interesting for me to live a life with Christ.As I read Romans 7 I weep a lot because I found myself there. And the more I pray and read the Bible,the more I feel God’s presence,the sharper and heavier the conflict but I know Christ is greater than them.I thought peace and joy and rest could well be enjoyed in the absence of trials and affliction, but I realized that there is joy in affliction,peace in  troubled sea and rest in valley of death.

Instead of the  death that I should suffer for the transgressions that I committed against Him,He saves me from sin .And the peace which my heart longs He bestows, He bids me go and said to me “sin no more”.Jesus saves me!No more I am bondage to sin.I am no longer slave of Satan and of my sin.The things which seems for me  so impossible , God had shown me that even how I was darkened by my sin He can cleanse me whiter than snow.He washes all my sins and He will remember it  no more.If we confess our sin to Him,He is faithful to forgive us and to cleanse us from all our unrighteousness .He wanted that we may live in accordance to His will that we may enjoy the fullness of His blessings.

I  praise God because while I was cleaning the room,I was planning to trash out all scratch papers in the boxes below my bed then I came  across to a  certain yellow paper written 2 or 3 years ago.And when I viewed it,I found out it is a journal of my struggle in masturbation.And when I read it, I remember how God saved my life.I thought I will struggle with that thing for a lifetime but God saved me.And I learned that whatever that I am struggling right  now,it will be temporal for God is my help and my fortress.
I am thankful for this new life.There are no reasons for me to be sad in my present struggle .The Jesus who parted the Red Sea is the same Jesus that can save me today.And I hope to all the Christian boys who are struggling with this sin,I hope this testimony will give you hope that you can overcome it.But above all,look unto Jesus for He is the One who can give you hope and strength to overcome it.
We must not look  only for the forgiveness of our sins.We must need to experience the transforming power of God to change our life. If God in the beginning saw the earth lifeless without form and void and transform it into a habitable place, I know that God can change the lifeless and void condition of man  into a sinless man,habitable of His Holy Spirit.Jesus is not only a Redeemer  but also  the Creator of my life.

May these words in the Holy Scriptures inspires you:

Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. 13 And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. 14 For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.Romans 6:12-14

I know that Jesus came to this world because He changes my life.I know that He can change your life too.If anyone of you  that is living in this kind of sin,I’ve been there and I know there is no joy and satisfaction.But in Jesus, the longings of your heart will be satisfied.In Jesus ,there is joy,peace and rest.Just be hopeful because Jesus surely and truly saves!


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